What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
