I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
