Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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