In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just made my gag reflex go away.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
