Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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