Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
