Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I want her autograph on my taint
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
