Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
