I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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