I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
you inspire me to be a worse person
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
