Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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