I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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