I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
