When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
