dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
