shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The power of my boobs compel you
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
