I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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