i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
