I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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