I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
