There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
