We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
