if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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