im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
