fuck your aforementioned shoe
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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