i just had sex bonerless
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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