Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
