how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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