How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
