My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
