Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
