I'm eating all of the evidence.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
