I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
