im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
