my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
