omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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