I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
