Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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