i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
