Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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