It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
