they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
