Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
