Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
