If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
