I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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