I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
PANTIES FOUND
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
