My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
