if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
