shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
